Crushes, Dreams, And Hopeless Fantasies

Gosh, where do I even begin. Anywhere? The beginning? The end? The one part of my life where dreams were my world?

As most of my girlfriends know, I've never dated. Ever.

Never kissed or Frenched.
Never hugged by a boy I liked.
Never even been to first base.

When I put it that way, WOW, I sound totally pathetic.

But guess where all that... ahem, "energy" went to?

A cookie if you guessed "Fangirling!".

And yes, that's why for a major part of my high school life I was obsessed with bands. McFly, Tokio Hotel, DBSK, Super Junior, 2PM, you name it.

Spazzing over them made me feel like I don't need a boyfriend. Why waste time and money when the Internet's right in front of you? The fanfictions, the (obviously fake) ghei rumuors, that was all an excitement, a cheap thrill for me, if you will. The fantasies of what you'd do with them if you finally meet them. (Hehehe, try guessing what. XD)

But it was fun while it lasted.

Yes, if you see me now, it seems like I'm still a fangirl. Going on allkpop for news, STILL reading fanfictions, buying albums, splurging on concert tickets. (SUJU CONCERT YAY :D)

But now, it's merely a hobby. Not an obsession.

I have to admit I do have a weird fascination for Korean culture and its people. But that doesn't mean I immediately fall in love with every Korean boy I see.

(Wth people, I'm not that shallow, ok?!)

I haven't openly admitted this. I may have substituted the word for, I don't know, "dates", "to be kissed", "to get third-base laid".

Point is, I'm saying it out now.

I want a boyfriend. Not need (that's called being despo), but want.

OK, so I sound pretty shallow about now.

"Yerr, where got girl so open say one boyfriend one? Must be a lola* wan, that's why don't have before lah."

(*LOLA = Lack Of Love and Attention)

But think of it this way. I've never had the experience of a first love before.

Never experienced a hug from someone, his heat, his warmth, seemingly warming you up to the core as well, making you feel safe, safer than anywhere else in the world.

Never experienced holding hands, the shy touch of hands... before slipping into the crooks between your fingers, the grasp firm, not wanting to let you go.

Never experienced the sheer joy when the first thing you wake up to in the morning is a message from him.

Never been kissed, never been so taken aback as his lips touch yours slowly, hesitantly, then pressing harder and you feel like everything in this world is just right.

Never experienced hearing his voice from behind and just as you turn, all you can see is him and suddenly, your bad day doesn't seem so bad after all. In fact, it's perfect.

Read through this post again. And again. Do you know what I'm talking about?

(Oh, and it applies to boys as well. Just replace the 'he' with a 'she'.)

One day, hopefully sooner than later. I'd like to experience all that.

PS. If you're wondering where I get my... physical (and romantic) advice from, try reading fanfictions. Muahaha.
PPS. Nah, Sab, I finally wrote a "personal" post, lemme know what you think.
PPPS. Unless you're a girl (or Kenn, he has special privileges), do NOT mention this blog post to my face. Kthxbai.
PPPPS. And as if you couldn't tell by my writing, yes, I am a romantic at heart. ;)