Simple Love Songs =/= Cheesius Maximus

So I been listening to alot of love songs lately. Especially 'Two Is Better Than One'. I love how the melodies come together, and everything about the song is just... right. :)

Isn't that what like/love/*insert-your-own-term-here* supposed to be though? Everything being just right, with that one person?

I woke up this morning and missed someone. But now... I feel free.

Free to analyse whatever-the-hell music I have.
Free to pursue writing.
Free enough for my classical training in piano to finally kick in after years of oppression.
(It's so not a good time though.)
Free enough to actually finish my homework on the day it's given. (Shock and horror! Yes I know.)

And as cliched as this may be...

Free to discover who I am. :)

I 've had my good times, my bad times, and my ups and downs. But right now, I'm learning to take everything as it comes to me in stride. It's a somewhat weird feeling, of me being free, but I LOVE it. :)

PS. I go rock-climbing nearly every Saturday now! Have been for the past two, anyone interested in joining me? (Get your own belaying partner though.) :D

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What The Hell Do I Do Now?

Still too young, or too old?

Still immature, or mature too soon?

Still hiding in the past, or throwing oneself head-first into the future?

I don't know anymore.

*

I used to think I was better than other girls. I thought that I didn't need reassuring, and I was independent, free of being clingy to others.

I guessed I was wrong. I like to be coddled, to be taken care of, to be let known that I'm loved.
(Just so in moderation, and in actions rather than words.)

Maybe I'm just paranoid. But the feeling I have in my stomach won't go away until I am assured that I do have that person's full attention.

Sigh. Maybe it's just me. :/

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Past Whispers and Reminisces

It's funny how pictures can bring back a multitude of (by-gone) feelings.

A slow touch of hands, deliberately-by-accident.

The feel of his warmth next to me.

"So can I have your number?"

It's just a shame that not even months of texting could forge a possible friendship. We don't even speak to each other anymore.

Still, it was fun (at times) while it lasted.

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Random Thoughts And Ramblings

• I think of your lips against mine, and my insides pull at my heart. Begging for more, but what can I give when I have nothing (or no-one)?

• You're beautiful, but you don't know it. You even manage to take my breath away. And I'm the girl here, damnit.
  

• As enigmatic as you are, as much as you pique my interest, if you don't show any signs, you'll just be like the one before.
  

• I hate mixed signals. Don't be like a girl, because you certainly aren't one.
  

• How is it that you fit nearly perfectly in the mental mould I have of the 'perfect guy', as cliched as it may be? But yet you still are not. No one is.

• When will I ever get a hug and proper conversation from you?
  

• There are many doors in our lives. By opening a door, you make a decision. By locking it, you turn that chance away. The probability of you opening a door is 50/50: there are only two choices. You can hem and haw, delaying and waiting, but you have to make a choice in the end anyway. Why not open the door and take a chance? There's nothing you can't risk, if you have the chance to be happy. (Paraphrased from Shaun.)

Don't take everything in this post at face value. Some comments were written for now, some were for the past. Some are for (a hopeful) future.

The past few weeks have been... somewhat emotionally draining. Not to a bad extent, but it was, to an extent, a thorn in my side. (Feelings are ambiguos things: they make you welcome yet abhor them.) And can someone tell me what to do about the urge to make out? Seriously, it bugs me so much. So. FREAKING. Much.

Okay, rambles done. Time to sleep. :)

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Lyric Post

"Do you dream at night
Dream of 'What if I's?
Do you play love songs
Just to sing along?
Does your heart beat faster
When I'm there?
Do you think of me?
Do you even care?"

Just a little drabble. (c) to me, STEAL AND DIE. >:D

Oh, and comments too plzz. :)

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Random Wordspit.

"I've been watching
Looking and waiting
For a story to happen
For a song to start playing"

(The start of a so-called song that WH wanted to start yesterday in the library but failed. XD)

I need to start bringing my camera to school and to take more pictures of my college friends. My blog seems so... BLAND from the lack of pictures. .___.

Currently in bed with the lappie and with the lights off. Rain's pouring outside my window and it's such a perfect time to sleep. :)

Btw, need some advice. How do you know if you've fallen for a person or if a person has fallen for another person?

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Holidays~

So after long hard weeks of sloughing away at college doing homework upon pile of homework and studying for tests (and failing), the CAL students of Taylors' FINALLY get a ten-day break.

YESSSSS :DDDDDDD

BUT.

Time in holidays are meant to be used as a means of catching up on work that you missed out on in normal classes (if you did miss some classes) and to revise the bulk of the syllabus that has been taught by the teachers to prepare for the upcoming Semester I exam.

(BOOOOOO.)

While my original plan WAS to actually, seriously catch up on homework, I ... kinda failed. But only halfway through!

I wasted three days on bumming around the house (Saturday, Sunday and Monday) when I could've gone to the TTDI library to do homework instead. =.=''

But before that I went out and hung out with friends. Ah, t'was fun. :)

Had mamak with Kenneth on Wednesday night after I got scorned by Kelly, Sabrina and Samantha. :'(

Had dinner and watched Date Night with ChungWye, Victor and ZhenHowe on Thursday night. (MUST GO WATCH THE MOVIE IT'S DAMN GOOD 8DDDD)

Went out and watched a movie with Jo, Grace, Deb, WaiHwa, Kenneth, Shaun, WengHian, WanYing, YinYii, Joyce, Melissa, Imran, Nicole and KarReid, How To Train Your Dragon. Kath then joined us, and we went off to the batting cages. In the end, Jo, Grace, Kath, WaiHwa, Kenneth and I had dinner at IKEA. Meatballs yay :DDD

(... Aiyoh, no wonder I'm going broke. X_X)

So now I've sorta started my Econs project paper, though for the life of me I can't imagine how I'm going to elaborate my points until 10-15 pages. Darn.

And there's Lit. homework (plotline for King Henry the IVth, Part I), and long LONG overdue Psychology essays.

... I'm so screwed. >:(

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Random Trufax About Me

I like being alone sometimes. It gives me space to think and ponder.

IMO, phone calls > MSN > text messages.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever fall in love. It seems so impossible.

I hate arguing with friends. I cried once because I got into a fight with my best friend.

But then again, I'm not the kind who cries easily. The last time I really truly cried was a few years back.

I speed read. All the time.

I procrastinate. Most of the time.

I have mild OCD. Sometimes.

I overanalyse and think too much for my own good.

Just because I spazz about someone, doesn't really mean I actually LIKE them.

I've bought too many books and now I can't finish reading them all. D8

Annoying, immature people get on my nerves.

I swore alot when I was 14/15. And now I'm starting again, no thanks to Kath. =.=''

I have a doctor's handwriting: you can never read and make sense of it.

I like singing. In the shower. :D

Apparently the way I talk = me flirting. @.@

I sometimes wonder if people actually know the real me.

Questions? Ask me on my formspring. :)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

I hate how I'm pretty good at screwing with people's feelings over and under. Realization doesn't strike me until the MOST inoppurtune moments, when I've gotten myself in too deep.

I hate how I'm shit at confronting situations with people in person. And I deserve any hate if anyone does ignore me for the rest of my life if I pulled that stunt. I know I would do the same thing if I were on the receiving end.

(And I'm sorry for that. I really am.)

I hate how my brain has yet to be equipped with a sensor that differentiates my feelings, as in feelings between "like", "lust" and "like-as-in-I-want-to-have-you-as-my-bf-or-more-commonly-known-as-love(for lack of better word)".

Maybe it's my fault for being so complicated.

So that's it.

Unless you're someone who can make my insides melt into honey (e.g. signal of when I'm falling for someone) whenever you look into my eyes and vice versa (which is impossible, given my character of NOT dating anyone who I already consider a 'friend')...

I'm probably swearing off any romance with any males for next few months. Or until I turn 18. Or when I finally get that sensor everyone but me seems to have.

That is all. Don't ask for details.

(I also hate how I think like SUCH a guy: I hate emotions which complicate situations.)

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Do You NOT Read Post Scripts?

Okay, time to clear up the misinformation, methinks.

Ever since the Jan 27th post, I've gotten two different kinds of reactions.

From the guys (even though I've said to NOT say it to my face. Thanks guys. =.=)
- "Wah, got so desperate boh?" (Or something along those lines anyway.)

From the girls
- "OMG HQ you made me reminisce / OMG so sweet"

All in all it's a total disaster. Guysward I mean. I LOVED all the comments that the girls gave me. Thank youuu~ :D

Getting on.

When I typed out that long, lengthy, burn-your-brains-out post, I neglected to mention one tiny 'lil fact about myself.

See, every year, without fail, I'd find myself suddenly drowned in the wanting and yearning of a boyfriend. To have someone to hold, someone to whisper sweet nothings in my ear whenever we're together.

(Getting off course, ahem.)

BUT.

It'll last all of two or more months, then I'm suddenly fine with things and carry one like before.

So BASICALLY, I published that post when I was... y'know, wanting someone really crazily.

However the need's not really that strong now. The feeling's waning. Things are slowly coming back to normal for me, personally.

So in layman's terms:

I'm not that despo for a boyfriend, but it doesn't mean I'm swearing to be celibate for the next 10 months.

With that said and done, please stop commenting on how the post makes me seem despo. Uurgh. Lower my self-esteem saja. Boo. >:(((

PS. I'm home alone and loving it! :D YAY for singing out loud with no one around :D

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What I Was, What I Am, What I Will Be

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where
I love you too much
Is this as hard as it gets?
'Cause I'm getting tired
Of pretending I'm tough
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and aching and
Tumbling and breakin'
'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream of worlds
Where you'd understand
And I dream a
Million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when
You're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke
When I turn on the light
I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where
I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance
That I'll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

PS. A cookie if you can actually guess what song this is WITHOUT GOOGLING IT. :D

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Crushes, Dreams, And Hopeless Fantasies

Gosh, where do I even begin. Anywhere? The beginning? The end? The one part of my life where dreams were my world?

As most of my girlfriends know, I've never dated. Ever.

Never kissed or Frenched.
Never hugged by a boy I liked.
Never even been to first base.

When I put it that way, WOW, I sound totally pathetic.

But guess where all that... ahem, "energy" went to?

A cookie if you guessed "Fangirling!".

And yes, that's why for a major part of my high school life I was obsessed with bands. McFly, Tokio Hotel, DBSK, Super Junior, 2PM, you name it.

Spazzing over them made me feel like I don't need a boyfriend. Why waste time and money when the Internet's right in front of you? The fanfictions, the (obviously fake) ghei rumuors, that was all an excitement, a cheap thrill for me, if you will. The fantasies of what you'd do with them if you finally meet them. (Hehehe, try guessing what. XD)

But it was fun while it lasted.

Yes, if you see me now, it seems like I'm still a fangirl. Going on allkpop for news, STILL reading fanfictions, buying albums, splurging on concert tickets. (SUJU CONCERT YAY :D)

But now, it's merely a hobby. Not an obsession.

I have to admit I do have a weird fascination for Korean culture and its people. But that doesn't mean I immediately fall in love with every Korean boy I see.

(Wth people, I'm not that shallow, ok?!)

I haven't openly admitted this. I may have substituted the word for, I don't know, "dates", "to be kissed", "to get third-base laid".

Point is, I'm saying it out now.

I want a boyfriend. Not need (that's called being despo), but want.

OK, so I sound pretty shallow about now.

"Yerr, where got girl so open say one boyfriend one? Must be a lola* wan, that's why don't have before lah."

(*LOLA = Lack Of Love and Attention)

But think of it this way. I've never had the experience of a first love before.

Never experienced a hug from someone, his heat, his warmth, seemingly warming you up to the core as well, making you feel safe, safer than anywhere else in the world.

Never experienced holding hands, the shy touch of hands... before slipping into the crooks between your fingers, the grasp firm, not wanting to let you go.

Never experienced the sheer joy when the first thing you wake up to in the morning is a message from him.

Never been kissed, never been so taken aback as his lips touch yours slowly, hesitantly, then pressing harder and you feel like everything in this world is just right.

Never experienced hearing his voice from behind and just as you turn, all you can see is him and suddenly, your bad day doesn't seem so bad after all. In fact, it's perfect.

Read through this post again. And again. Do you know what I'm talking about?

(Oh, and it applies to boys as well. Just replace the 'he' with a 'she'.)

One day, hopefully sooner than later. I'd like to experience all that.

PS. If you're wondering where I get my... physical (and romantic) advice from, try reading fanfictions. Muahaha.
PPS. Nah, Sab, I finally wrote a "personal" post, lemme know what you think.
PPPS. Unless you're a girl (or Kenn, he has special privileges), do NOT mention this blog post to my face. Kthxbai.
PPPPS. And as if you couldn't tell by my writing, yes, I am a romantic at heart. ;)

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Why Oh Why Must Homework Exist?

And this is what my room looks like when I have 5 more out of 7 poem analyses left to do. Which are due tomorrow. And lets not forget the Math homework.

HALPZ. DDDDDDDDDDD8

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Second Week Of College

So, another week of college has gone and passed. Eventful? Uneventful? I'm not quite sure myself.

Nothing much has changed, except that the classes I'm in are starting to get closer in terms of friendship. Which explains the sudden 'College List' I have up on FB and the mass adding of friends. :D

Classes are starting to have crazy workloads. @.@

Especially Maths. OMG MATHS =Bane of my existence.

BUT.

I refuse to drop the darned subject. NYAH. >:D

The amount of homework piles up EVERY DAY, but hey, if I can get through SPM, the second hardest high school examination in the WORLD, pssh, A-Levels are peanuts.

(Someone please remind me of this post when I start whining about how hard my life is later on, kthxbai.)

Unlike Sabrina, I don't take pics in school, because.... there's basically no time at all! It's wait outside of class (cos the class is freezing, as always), get into class, lessons, lunch, and lessons again. And repeat for the next day and the next day and the next.

But Friday's my classes' half-day, so we have the opportunity to go out and have a looooong lunch. We're even thinking of driving out to Desa Sri Hartamas for Korean food next week! :DDD

HOWEVER. (From here on in it's going to be the what-happened-today post, fyi.)

We had some teamwork building workshop for our Lit. in English class, AND we had to finish Mr. Gan's homework, so that meant doing econs and eating lunch at the same time. =.=''

The workshop was LMFAO funny. One part of the workshop was charades, and this is one of the snippets of it:

"Why you join the Lit class?"
"... 'Cause Ms. Anne is hot!"
*Cue racuos laughter*
"But you not lesbian right? That's why you go Psychology class got Mr. Kumar mah!"

XDDD

OH. OH. OH. AND. :D

I've mentioned this on FB, but there has been a guy (and some others as well) that have been catching my eye, if you get what I mean. ;D But how to introduce if he's a senior? D:

Ahem. Moving on.

Today's ECA Drive thing was AWESOME, btw. As the workshop thingy only finished at 3.30pm, the lot of us went down late.

AND WITNESSED A REAL FLASH MOB. O.O

Actually it's a dance flash mob prepared by the Dance club members, but they were AWESOME. And yes, it is as in possum. :)

At the end of the day, I signed up for 4 clubs, which are Dance, Music, Psychology, and...

Wait for it...

...

...

...

KOREAN! :DDDDD

Hahaha, bet you coulda seen that coming from afar. XDDD

All in all, I've met alot of new friends, and hope to get to know them better. :)

In fact, I'm kinda sad that college's only 5 days a week.

TT_TT

But then I remember the workload we have and...

Yeah I like my weekends better. XD

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Procrastinator, I Am.

Another blog post due to the pestering of friends. XD

College is awesome. No, screw that, it's fantastic. I'm so NOT regretting going for the Jan intake.

Friendly classmates, great lecturers, and a whole lotta' good-lookin' people. I like. A lot.

PLUS. Loads of cute guys and eye-candy. And all above average. XD

BUT.

It's so cold, we freeze our asses off EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN' DAY.

Someone PLEASE tell the administration to turn down the AC, especially in my class. D:

So far the week's been nothing but funfunfun. :D

Orientation was a blast, the ice-breaking thing was a great... well, ice breaker. (Pardon the pun.)

My classmates... well technically there's only 13 of us, but since the Humanities classes are so small, alot of other class people come to our class for their subjects. Combined classes lah. It's just that my class is the permanent one. =.=

The facilities are very canggih as well. The library may be small, but it's cozy. And we has alphabet chairs and beanbags, so there. XP

My lecturers are the total opposite of secondary school teachers. I LIKE. 8D

Mr K, the psych teacher, is GREAT. His lectures are fun and to the point.

Ms Anne is a tad strict, but if you don't cross the line, she'll be ok to work with in class.

Ms. Yogi is my super hyper Math teacher, she's even better at teaching Math compared to my Add Math teachers (Not that they weren't good...)

But the only gripes I have with the campus, besides the cold, is the time alloted for our lunch breaks.

One hour is SO not enough for lunch, especially when the restaurant's late with your order. Rushing back to class does not help in the digestion fo food, ya know.

I'll maybe continue the 'college life' posts later on, but for now, I'm hungry, and shall go scavenge for food. :D

PS. NAH UPDATED LIAO. XP

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So Apparently I Should...

It's freaking 2.15am now. And I'm still up. Darn biological clock, you're not supposed to follow the "stay up til 6am new years eve" plan!

Anywho.

A friend prompted me to update this dying, barely alive blog. ("Why all the posts the same wan?")

Hey, at least I still feed it (not very often occuring) news.

So. Typing away now.

...

Uh, nothing to type about.

Well, I could start to describe in detail how my plan to enjoy life on its own was crashed and burned when my dad decided to persuade me to join the Jan intake of A-Levels.

I could be all mad, sad, angsty and whatnot. But I'm not, so... MEH.

Nothing to update lorh. People around me know that my life very the boring one what.

Hang on, I take that back. I actually do plan to go KL with Kelly this Sunday, and with Sab the next. Mum's taking me to Kino as well this Sunday, along with Dad taking me to The Star Education Fair on Saturday. Oh, and I'm taking my undang test (like, FINALLY after bajillions of eons) on Monday. And let's not forget about the first day of school at Taylors' Sri Hartamas the day after.

But you probably didn't want to know about that anyways. ;D

Besides, it's not that I don't want to blog, it's just that... no one appreciates me blogging.

*sniffs and wipes away tear*

I mean, I would do alot better if maybe some people gave comments and-

Ah, screw it. I hate grovelling.

Leave me loads of comments and I will update. I happy, you happy. Sama-sama.

We cool we cool?

(Thank Haziq for that last line. XD)

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Pre-U And Uni Woes, Oh My.

Just a quick post before dinner. Just spent the past 3 hours researching what top-tier unis from the US want when I apply to be admitted.

Dear Lord, how will I ever get in?!?! DDDD:

They consider your high school results. M y results are average, if not below that standard. But according to Deb, they place more emphasis on your SATs, so that's abit of hope for me.

And not to mention I need to complete a Pre-U course first. Of course the generic plan was to do A-Levels, but that would so wrong for me on so many levels:

It's totally exam based. I can't stick exams. Have you seen how badly I did in school?
I'll waste another year of my life, because I'll be taking the July intake, and therefore have to wait six months to aply for uni.
Sure I could go for the January intake, but hello? No freedom at all! I'll do even worse, kthx.
A-levels are the hardest Pre-U course in the world. It'll be SPM all over again. No, thank you.
More memorising. More studying. More pressure and stress.

I'm considering the Candian Pre-U, but is it even accepted worldwide? I mean, yeah, it says so, but one can't be too sure about this. But I really like the way they teach. I mean, 70% coursework, and only 30% exams. I'm confident that I'll do better in this lorh. Not to mention, the dude from the CPU program at Taylor's was extremely convincing.

SO HOW?!

My whole future is at stake. Save me. D:

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Just So You Know...

SPM IS OVAAAAARRR 8DDDDDD

Well, technically, it's not for me.

But.

Screw Chinese.

MERDEKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~~~~

XDDDDDDDDD

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How Can You Understand Me If I Don't Myself?

I'm tired of this.

Of hoping for miracles that will never happen.

Of fantasising about 'what-ifs' that will never come true.

Of dreaming about when the day someone will come.

Of waiting hopelessly.

I was crazy about you.

Too bad the things I knew weren't true.

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FUCK NO WAY IT'S HAPPENING

Remember when I told you guys about how I fell in love with yet another boyband? They're 2PM, and they're the best thing to happen to me so far this year.

Last Saturday, a scandal concerning the leader, Jay Park blew up way out of proportion. Apparently he made derogatory remarks about Korea 4 years ago, and netizens were bashing him up online.

He manned up and took responsibility, saying everything was his fault and apologaized. But the netizens weren't happy. They made his boss cancel all of 2PM's activities, and they asked him to 'leave it or love it', but they didn't give him the latter option. They wanted him out of the band.

They even created a peition for him to commit suicide! Apeshit crazy.

And just now at 4.15pm, I got a tip from my friend. And it says :

On the official 2PM fancafe, leader Jaebeom announced that he will be officially quitting 2PM. JYPE has just confirmed this is true.

This decision was made after his recent Myspace controversy was blown out of proportion. Jaebeom will be leaving Korea today at 6:30pm KST.

Jaebeom posted:

"Hello, I'm 2PM's Jaebeom.

I'm sorry for giving you my last greeting through this letter.
I think it will be hard for me to see you all on stage because of my sorry heart.

I'm really sorry to everyone, and I'm even more sorry to the fans who have shown me love.
From today, I will leave 2PM.

2PM boys, I'm really sorry to the boys and I'm sorry I couldn't be strong as a leader and a hyung and have to leave like this.
However, I hope you will be more cool and charming.

Again, I'm sorry.

Jaebeom"


cr : 2ONEDAY Forums and allkpop.com

WELL OMGWTFBBQ.

STUPID NETIZENS. HE'S HUMAN AND YOU TOOK AWAY HIS DREAMS IN JUST A FEW DAYS. HE HAS WORKED SO HARD FOR FOUR YEARS, AND HAS ONLY DEBUTED A YEAR. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM?!

YOU WISHED FOR HIM TO LEAVE. HAPPY NOW? AND IT'S CONFIRMED THAT ONCE HE SETS FOOT ON THAT PLANE IN 19MINS, HEADED FOR SEATTLE, HE'LL NEVER COME BACK. EVER.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW. YOU JUST DESTROYED A MAN'S DREAMS, HIS GROUPS' CAREER, AND BROKEN HEARTS OF MANY K-POP FANS OUT THERE.

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